Wild And Free

“Should my breath

The cold winds freeze,

Too weary and numb

Should my heart cease..”


Oh great mountain!

Abode of Shiva

Destroyer of illusions,

Granter of boons;

I rest in your lair tonight;

Under the open skies

Protected underneath the vigil

Of uncountable devotees

Shining bright, from above.

O great mountain!

The white snow shining bright

On your brow;

Seems almost like the moon

Come down to camp with me;

On the damp grass,

Of this holy land.

O great mother!

O benevolent mother!

of the mountains, rivers and snow;

I seek the fierce protection,

In your motherly warmth.

Tonight I rest in your lap

Let no harm come to me;

O mother !

Thou arst the protector

Of these realms;

The guide of the lost

And saviour

Of the forsaken.

I surrender my soul to thee.

Should my breath

The cold winds freeze,

Too weary and numb

Should my heart cease;

Don’t let me linger, let me be.

I always was, am still;

Shall always be..

son of the mountains

Wild and free.

© Jay Kaushal

Live.. Bigger!

Your comfort zone.. and where the magic happens..

I was writing in full creative force when I gave up WordPress altogether and just.. left…I just felt my true expression was being lost in translation. I felt that there was so much I needed to say and in different ways that I was losing out on just because I had gotten used to being a certain way and accepting a certain order to things.

I was writing in full creative force when I gave up WordPress altogether and just.. left…

Yeah I know, a lot of writers here are going to tell me that ” You need to resist that temptation and keep writing” and “.. become more disciplined with your writing..” etc. etc.

Here’s the deal though.

I still have close to 45 drafts of motivational writing, just sitting on my dashboard. That includes parts 3,4 and 5 of ‘The Lotus’ an online motivational novel I was writing.

I just felt my true expression was being lost in translation. I felt that there was so much I needed to say and in so many different ways.
I was losing out on all of it just because I had gotten used to life being a certain way and accepting a certain order to things.

It’s tough knowing when you’ve reached an ending or maybe it’s just tough accepting it. Deep down you always know when it’s time to move on from something.

All endings are beginnings.. and all beginnings are beginnings of new endings.

It takes courage to explore yourself. Most people won’t do that. Most people are happy with either only exploring the breadth of their talent or only exploring the depth of their expression.

No one wants to leave something that works really well for them.. and risk failing miserably at something new.

I’m not saying that living outside your comfort zone is essentially what everyone needs to do but I’m just saying, having been where I’ve been in the past year or so…

Having experienced what I have, I can testify to the fact that outside your comfort zone is indeed where the magic takes place.

It doesn’t happen over night. It doesn’t happen suddenly. It’s a very slow process on most occasions but you need to be committed to continually enhance yourself for anything of value to bloom out from within you.. for the world to see.

In nature, flowers don’t bloom for the world to see, they just bloom when the time is right. They bloom when they’re supposed to bloom. They bloom when they’re ripe. So it is with your talents.

Everyone is multi-talented. Everyone; Some more so than others but everyone is multi talented. Here’s the thing though; most people go to their graves with the majority of their talents under utilized.

The majority just settles with the safety they find in even the worst talents which can pay their bills and offer them security.

The majority gets comfortable in being mediocre and never venturing beyond what they’ve mastered.

I’m not saying people don’t have the right to do what they want. I’m just saying that most people know they can do a lot more than they are doing with their lives.

They just don’t seem to care.. only that they do but they’re always lying to themselves. They’re always lying to themselves to hide their fear of failure under the carpet.

I always knew I could write well. I knew I could write poetry because that is what I had done all through middle and high school as the quintessential lover boy.

So yeah, I believed in writing for love and one day I just felt like I needed to write for a cause and more openly for the world to see.

My life was at it’s deepest darkest nadir when I began to write here. I wrote to give myself hope and also to try to touch the lives of any others like me, going through the same things as I was.

My first poem was Suicide Note. I wrote it as a replacement for actually jumping off a bridge.. which is something I used to think of continuously in that period. Then one day, I just wanted to see how it would look in words and I let it flow.

Not only did it make me feel better, it immortalized me. “This is it!” I thought; I’ve created something to be remembered for anyone who can appreciate it. At least I won’t die an insignificant death.

Maybe they’ll publish it in my obituary if I really do commit suicide!

Then I began to write here and was appreciated by many people here and from my network. After an initial phase of healing through writing, I tried my hand at some photography and utilized colours and lighting, combining it with poetry to add to the depth of the words, to aid the imagery.

Then I tried to explore ‘what else’ i could do and I spent a few months locked up in my room trying to complete manuscripts I had begun a while ago.

Now they’re twice as long and just about as incomplete.

So I got sick of it altogether at one stage because I wasn’t making any money out of it either and I desperately needed money. I began writing about astrology on Quora and focused on helping people with energy healing, mantras, chakras, crystals and meditation.

Somewhere in all of this I found a gap between what I wanted to convey, how I wanted to convey it and what I was ending up conveying in the end.

That’s when I decided to start a brand new YouTube channel after an initial failure a couple of years ago. I almost didn’t want to go down that route again. Also, this was a pretty ambitious project to begin with and involved investing pretty much all of the money I had saved up until that point.

Why did I still go ahead with it then?

Because it gave me the satisfaction I wanted. You know why?

Because for the first time in my life, I was employing pretty much all of the skills I had, in creating something just for the people. I got together with my best friend and decided to shoot a free video series for YouTube about Life Coaching, Motivation and Wellness.

We decided to take it up a notch and do what no motivational speaker or life coach in the world is doing right now.

We decided to tour exotic locations and match the destinations with our content.

We designed it like an outdoor field trip of sorts for each video. Just to ensure that the viewers remained attentive and could learn through subtle messaging.

Our budget didn’t permit us to film abroad but what the heck! India is really beautiful and beyond our imagination, we discovered.

The schedule needed to be kept tight because we had a budget to stick to and we chose the best places we could and took as much time as we needed, to ‘get it right’.

We decided not to film using a professional camera or high tech instruments because we wanted to show the world the practical application of “Doing what you can, with what you have… starting where you are.”

Today I finally feel that even if I die tonight, I have created enough to be recognized at least for the right intention. (lol) I feel that’s priceless if you’re constantly battling nagging ideas about your self worth growing up.

Most of us are. Most people ask themselves these questions but then stop as they age because they know they can’t answer truthfully anymore. Most people have learnt to conveniently live a mediocre life that they pass off as ‘living in the moment‘.

Not that that’s a bad thing, most people don’t know the first thing about living in the moment. They take each moment as an opportunity to run from the previous one.

I feel failing at all the things I did, letting go all the things I did, was great.

It was in the end a small price to pay, to realize the greater ambition:

Committing to a goal higher than yourself and motivating others to do the same.

Today I’m largely, a Life Coach. I’m working actively to establish myself as a Motivational Speaker and a writer I have always been.

In all of these roles, I focus on helping people improve their lives by working with them to express themselves better in the world.

They know I’m not scamming them or selling them bookish mumbo jumbo that they could’ve just read for less than $4 on a Kindle subscription.. because they see me do it. They can see the proof in the pudding.

Most of you don’t have to prove yourselves to your clients like that. You do have to prove yourself to yourself though. Don’t you?

Better still, you need to show your kids the best version of the human being you’re trying to make them. Don’t you?

See it doesn’t matter if you have to let go of something that’s working perfectly, to go build something else you don’t even know will work or not.

What matters is what you want to create while you’re here and how you can do justice to the greatness within you.

Everything else is just transient. It’s like The Truman Show, it’s like The Matrix, it’s like Tron Legacy or whatever.. lol

But youyou’re real.

And you’re real only if you believe you are real.

If you just lose yourself in the crowd, you cease to be you. Pretty soon, you become one of the walls.. chairs.. trees.. whatever.. you get the point!

See you soon. Take care.

Jay Kaushal

Here’s my Free Life Coaching course on YouTube: Life Mastery Season 1

And I’m now frequently going to post new parts to the free novel The Lotus that I was writing here before I left. Watch out for those!

‘The Lotus’ (Part-2)

“The purpose of life is not to beat yourself over finding your purpose. The purpose of life is to live… purposefully.”

“The purpose of life is not to beat yourself over finding your purpose. The purpose of life is to live… purposefully.”

I hit ‘Share’ after I was done putting the required hashtags. People can consume content so fast on Instagram, it’s almost as fast as reading it off your mind. Three likes in as many seconds and I turned off my screen and put my phone in my pocket. There were other things to do during the rest of the day. One of the most important things on my list was ‘thinking’. I had begun to spend so much time thinking off late that I had actually begun to realize just how tough ‘thinking’ can be. It’s a whole different discipline within itself.

How much thinking is ‘healthy pondering’ and just how much, is ‘over thinking’? There’s a fine line but with enough practice, you can decode the puzzle. ‘Thinking’ done the right way is a ‘methodology’, a complex one. With enough thinking, you are sure to arrive at the solutions to most of life’s problems. With too little of it, you are sure to keep running into roadblocks. And with too much thinking, your brain begins to over write previously arrived at conclusions and the whole process becomes useless.

That is what ‘anxiety’ is. Anxiety is that point in the ‘thinking’ process, when you have visited and revisited a particular scenario or solution enough times to have been caught up in the loop of almost reaching the solution and never ever, quite reaching it. At the state of mind I was in, I wanted to accelerate my thinking process and reach the answer that I desperately sought from my conscience; that of finding my purpose in life.

Repeating the question over and over to myself had been proving futile. Leaving my mind idle had hardly been having the energizing effect like I expected it to, and searching for the answer in all external cues that life could offer, had become too cumbersome.

“You can’t do it. You just can’t.”

There comes a point in your life when everywhere you look, for the answers you seek, you reap only more questions. That’s it. There’s nothing anyone has to offer anymore at that point. They’re all question marks for you.

Even the omens that you would read routinely for the right answers, the angels, the gods, the religious texts, philosophical texts, anything you can possibly think of.. none of them prove to be of any help to you.

It’s during times like these that the universe is guiding you to look within. All the angels, all the gods, all the religious texts, all the spirits of all the philosophers, leaders, writers, poets et all are guiding you in just one direction: within.

It’s almost like they’re all asking you to step up your game and step up to the plate and take full responsibility for your life. Don’t look to Jesus, or Buddha or Krishna for your answers, look within.

“That’s the whole point of giving you a mind as complex as that! ” They all seem to be shouting.

“We can’t do anything for you unless you decide to do something for yourself !” They all seem to reason with you, when you turn up on their door, yet again for answers.

Introspection is difficult. Very difficult in fact. When you begin to introspect you realize how sparsely if ever, you have quality conversations with yourself. You can’t just look within and pick a single issue and resolve it like that. On your first forage inwards you shall realize that there are many many unresolved issues lying all around your in your head.

So when you begin to introspect, the first reaction can be to abandon yourself and withdraw to the outside world. To try to distract yourself from the real problems, the real work that needs to be done…within yourself.. and keep looking towards the outer world for answers.

That works sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t. The process is a lot like breathing. You go within, then release yourself without. You hold your breath and dive into the pool, then you exhale as you’re swimming up to the surface. The process of journeying within isn’t a one day process or a one go process. It’s a step by step process and you need to be patient with yourself.

It was 7 am and it felt awfully lonely on the park bench I sat on. I just sat there sitting snugly, in the nippy morning air, with one leg on top of the other. Just watching the world, as I sat smacking the butt of my cigarette on the chain of my watch. The morning Sun seemed to soothe my mind somewhat but this day felt just as gloomy as any.

“Ah.. bugger..” I yawned. Life was boring. Too boring. I sat observing, as everyone around me seemed to be running and hustling to get their day started, in a huge contrast to me.

A gang of ‘fat women’ who actually weren’t fat anymore owing to their fast walking routine over the past few months were huffing down the track at top speed. A middle aged man, who was a regular in the park at this time of the day was performing yoga stretches. An old man, who came every morning to feed wheat flour to ants was sprinkling flour anywhere he could spot an army of ants.

And among all of them, I could see a destitute old woman just standing near the park gate like every other day. Actually, I have never been able to figure out what she wants or if she really is destitute. I have seen a couple of old men hand her a tenner every other day ‘to buy herself a cup of tea’ but she never begs or asks for anything. When I tried once, to give her some money, she withdrew almost as though I had tried, to insult her.

There were so many different kinds of people in the park at any given day around the same time that it was baffling to understand what day of the week it was. The park was just as full on a Saturday or Sunday as a Wednesday or Friday. The 7 am crowd seemed to be an awfully punctual crowd to me. I saw most of these guys everyday without fail, no matter what day of the week it was.

A little further from me stood a pothead, smoking a joint, wireless headphones on his ears. He gazed in my general direction as I lit my cigarette. We could’ve waved to each other but I didn’t think he would’ve liked it. He generally seemed to me like he wanted to be left alone. I guess when you’re the kind of person who smokes weed at 7 am in a public park, you’re not really keen on pleasantries.

I was in the mood to savor the taste of the fine tobacco and lull my mind to sleep anyway. I had been awake all night the night before and was looking forward to being able to sleep after all. The insomnia coupled with the nicotine rush was enough ‘high’ for me.

Two or three drags of nothingness later, I realized how I was one of the regulars of the park too. This had been my routine for some time now. Sleeping at 10 am, waking up at 5 pm. Others most probably viewed me the same way I viewed them. I was the ‘guy on the bench’ for them, probably. The thought made me smile. It made me smile to think this way. To realize how we’re all really in the same boat, sailing in the same general direction, despite the differences in our approach or mindset.

I was not sure if I wanted the same things as the rest though. They seemed so certain about their ways and routines while I had become uncertain about everything off late. What did any of this mean at all? Eat, Sleep, Work, Crap.. repeat the same everyday until you die. If I was not feeling inclined to indulge in the same routines as the others, while being in the same routines as all others, there was an inherent flaw in my approach!

There must be a deeper meaning to all of this”

I murmured to myself, with my eyes closed and my mind perplexed. People had it all so sorted in their ways and I was just too hung up on finding the ‘larger’ meaning, looking at the ‘deeper’ picture of life. “This is why you’re in utter crap!” I thought to myself, as it slowly began to drizzle.

I didn’t care to move however. The shade from the thick branches of the tree beside my bench was enough to keep me from getting wet.

People on the track however, all began to respond to the rain in their own ways. Some began running to the exit so as to reach home before the rain intensified. Some sought shelter under the trees. A select few, just went about their daily rituals unperturbed. I glanced at the spot the old woman stood. She seemed to have left, probably to have a cup of tea.

I don’t normally like being indoors when it’s raining. I think many people probably feel the same but there aren’t as many shady trees in the park as there are people. Even if they all wanted to, not many would be able to stay without getting drenched. Hmm. Seemed like an interesting thought.

I kept sitting on the bench by which time the rain had intensified from a drizzle to a steady shower. I was in no hurry to get back home and miss the soothing morning Sun being replaced by beautiful dark clouds as they went rushing by, the sun rays peeking through them still.

The colors changing, the lights changing, the trees waving in the freshness of the wind… It made for a beautiful sight. For a moment, I completely forgot I was in the city and not in the mountains.

“Why would you leave a lovely morning just like that and rush into your house just because of the rain?” I smiled and shook my head from side to side.

It’s true, there are ‘things’ you need to do. But maybe, you don’t need to do the things you think you need to do. What’s there to be had in leaving a perfect situation to just keep on track with an imperfect life? Why leave the rain? Why not sit under the shade of a leafy tree like me and enjoy the refreshing shower like the birds and the trees? Delhi is a hot city mostly and we don’t get showers so often unless it’s the monsoon.

At that moment, a busy jogger huffed past me, drawing my attention to himself with the patter of his jogging shoes on the asphalt track. The rain didn’t seem to have deterred him in any way.

“Yeah that’s one way too.” I thought to myself as I raised my eyebrows, unconvinced of his approach being the right one either.

He seemed a tad too driven I felt, laughing to myself as the rain intensified and I heard a powerful thunderclap. The tree couldn’t shield me from a thundershower so, comparing the distance back to my house and to a picnic hut a little further inside the park, I decided to run towards the picnic hut before it began to pour. That was a good decision. I got just a little wet as I jogged there and it rained continuously for the next one hour. In fact, it rained well until noon. I was able to get back home without being soaked, by opting to jog back within the small gap in which the rain had reduced back to a drizzle.

I went home, went to sleep, woke up at 5 pm and walked back to the park as soon as I had had a cup of tea for a cigarette. I sat down at the same bench I usually sit on and lit a cigarette. Still trying to ‘think’, still trying to introspect. When I began to think about the little episode from the morning, it opened up my mind to life, in a completely different way.

The way I see it, we are all doing what we are and functioning in the normalcy of our everyday lives, like the people at the park; the 7 am crowd. When we are faced with challenges, pleasant or unpleasant, we all have a different mechanism of response based on our life priorities.

The first category of people are those, who march on day after day, come what may, like the jogger I found too driven. Such people find peace in keeping up with their routine unlike ‘everybody else’. These people maybe referred to as crazy by those in the second category.

Which brings me to The second category of people are those who derive satisfaction from functioning on the plane of ‘least resistance’. They prefer that their lives function ‘as usual’ and throw up as few surprises or upsets in routine. Such people have their own boat to keep afloat. They run their lives like a tight ship and have clearly defined aims. Most people follow in this category. If they don’t, they are taught to fall in this category.

Then there is the third category of people, those who are in it, for the experience. They are in it just to explore what’s next. These people may be referred to as crazy by the people in the second category.

I realized that day, that I fall in the third category. I didn’t care if it rained continuously for two hours or more. I didn’t care if it rained only for a few minutes. The bottom line for me was that I loved the rain and I wasn’t about to rush indoors due to the fear of getting wet. Sure, being in this category involved its own bit of smart decision making. It was a smart move taking shelter in the picnic hut when I realized it was going to come down pouring. Later on, taking advantage of the rain subsiding and running back home within that window was a matter of choice. Whether to stay on in the experience or to get out of it when you think you’re done.

In these three categories of people, it was quite apparent that there was no right or wrong way about what they did and how they did it. Things get complicated only when you are half committed to what you believe in and half –hearted in how you act.

You cannot rush back home as soon as it begins to rain and enjoy the view from your apartment window, overlooking.. the parking lot!

Maybe some of the others enjoyed the rain better from their balcony than I did in the view of the lush greenery of the football field and an open view of the sky. Even so, both experiences can’t be the same. They can’t be and they shouldn’t be, because then it wouldn’t be fair to those who are in it for what it is.

Would it be fair, if I got to enjoy the same view and the same experience and the same smells, sights and sounds as the people who had rushed back home as soon as the first few drops of rain fell on them? No. It wouldn’t. Some experiences are reserved and quite often, the most beautiful ones.. for those completely invested in them.

You have to be in that experience to really truly know what it felt like it.

Just like the people who made it back home in time to make a hot cup of tea and enjoy the nice rainy day from their balcony. No, I couldn’t have had that. I could only have had what I had and I could only have loved what it was in the moment.

That is what life is about, isn’t it? Choices.

As for the jogger who completed his daily 5 laps on the track despite the rain and the wind? What experience did he have?

Well, he made great progress on toughening up his resolve to stick to his plan and not take a day off, come hell or high water. You can’t beat commitment like that with something else. Whatever it is that he had set himself that goal for, I’m sure it gave him immense satisfaction that day by not giving up. Not taking an off day. No slack at all.

Imagine however, that he had gone home that day and fallen ill in the evening. What then? Had the effort been worth it, in that case?

Now this is interesting. This is interesting because this is how decisions lead to decisions and choices to more choices that lead you to what you ‘become’ eventually.

When you take a tough decision like that one, you may immediately be called out on whether you’re bluffing or you’re serious.

If you do get ill, do you call in sick the next day? or Do you resist the setback, brave the sickness and turn up again another day, defying the odds?

There is no right answer to this unfortunately.

I can only recall that the rain made me realize I was neither the one to shy away from the rain nor one to defy the elements and have my own way. I was an experience seeker and riding the flow of the moment gave me immense pleasure. That is all that mattered in the journey to discovering myself….

Being in it just for the experience!

©Jay Kaushal

Visit my YouTube channel on Life and Wellness:

Jay Kaushal Life And Wellness

<< Read Part 1 <<

‘The Lotus’ (Part-1)

The good things and the bad must both dissolve into each other yet separate into each self. Each turning into the other to preserve the balance of the mix yet working together to give meaning to good and bad.

I had been wanting to return to WordPress for a long time. However, the transformation taking place in my life in the days I was away, kept holding me back. I just couldn’t seem to configure my creative outlets to match what needed to be said.

As a writer, it happens often that you write what you think you write best and the subsequent appreciation for your art drives you to write more of what you feel is ‘appreciated’. Appreciation, Praise, Acknowledgement of your ‘efforts’ can lead you into a whole different territory. A territory where it becomes hard to realize why you do what you do.

Far too many artists find themselves caught in the trap of repeating what ‘works’. What works, may or may not be your best work but it is what keeps you afloat as an artist. It is what keeps the reviews coming and the audience buzzing, asking for more. This part is the best about creating anything; anything of value is driven by a desire to be noticed. As much as you deny it, working your craft is far more refreshing at an ego level when you have and audience waiting for your next creation.

But eventually, things change and life changes with them. You change invariably with the various factors spinning out of your control. Then as you change, how people in the world view you, changes. At a certain point, you can’t control anymore how the expression of your being radiates into the world around you. Your art defines you but you define your art as the creator and as the medium it flows through.

A picturesque landscape exists for you as much as it does for the poet who wrote a poem about it and a painter who immortalized that point in time on a canvas. It existed for everyone yet it chose only a select medium to express itself through.

You are associated with what you attract and also the energies that channel themselves through your being. It’s all about what you ‘vibrate’ with, in sync.

What vibrates with you, is what is most like you; and what the core of your being vibrates with, you ultimately become one with.

Sewage flowing through a pipe will ultimately corrode and accumulate the inside of the medium with filth and stink. Clear, fresh water will ultimately impart a sweet taste to the farthest extents of the pipe. That’s not even science, just common sense.

“It’s such a drag. Such a drag. SUCH a drag. Such a drag drag DRAG !!…”

I remember shouting to myself in utter frustration. I was physically beating myself up, over the lack of focus and any discernible aim or motive in life. Why was everything going against me? Why was it all crumbling down? Why was everything that I was building up, crumbling down around me…with me in the middle; watching haplessly as it all tumbled down one after the other. Like a chain of dominoes undone by the sheer momentum of a chain reaction triggered by a simple nudge.

“Hmm… this sucks..”

Many years ago, I had been faced with situations similar to those I was facing in this phase. I had encountered similar frustrations in the past. Similar manic depressive, chaotic periods. They had all ended in unsuccessful suicide attempts and completely botched up self harm episodes. The only one I ever succeeded in causing harm to were the people in my life who wanted nothing but happiness for me.

As much as someone crushed deep under the weight of mental health issues will disagree.. the people in your life have nothing to do with the crap that goes on inside your head.

“It all beings and ends in the mind.” This is that famous statement you’ve probably heard many times. Nearly all of the successful people in this world.. vehemently stand by it. Not nearly enough people take notice of the depth of the idea the flows out from it.

To me, what I’ve come to realize in the last few months, this statement points out to the fact that reality is what you perceive it to be and also something you create. You can create by perception but you can also perceive what you have the power to create.

The fact that it all begins and ends in the mind points out to the sheer power vested in your mind. Those of us having a tough time handling our thoughts, controlling our emotions are simply out of sync with our own ideas.

We keep resisting the infinite power that our mind holds within itself. We spend so much time and energy ‘resisting’ a boundless force that we are never able to learn how to put it to use. How to let it pave our path for us. How to let it create for us, the world we want. We’re out of sync with it and that means we don’t know how to control it.

You can’t drive a Ferrari at 30 miles an hour and you can’t drive a bicycle at 300. It’s all about the minimal level of ‘vibration’ that everything functions at. When you’re out of sync with that vibration, it breaks you. Quite like an opera singer breaking a champagne glass at the right frequency. If that glass could match the ‘vibration’ of the opera singer’s voice, it wouldn’t break at all.

Similarly, if you feel swamped and mentally, psychologically drained or too worked up and screwed up in the head, you’re acting out of sync with your inner being. You’re acting out of sync with that highly powerful and highly expansive energy in your body, called the ‘soul’.

(Like I was at this time.)

I had been absolutely sucking at ‘living’, and at ‘dying’, I had been failing far too badly. However, this time, I had the deeply entrenched lessons from the experiences of my past, to help me take better decisions.

Lying on the floor of my room, I reminisced how I had found myself in a similar situation ten years ago. Ten years ago, barely 18 and already at the nadir of my life, despite all of the confusion and chaos, through all of the failures and frustrations, life had ultimately blended seamlessly into a happy phase.

Things had changed for me back then when I had left home and gone off to college in another city. There, I had started life afresh; met new people, had new experiences, discovered new dimensions to my personality and the pain of the short but violently intense struggles of my life had soon been washed away by the new beginning.

But just when I had thought that, that would be the new ‘normal’ for my life, along had come another trough. Deeper and with its own challenges, dark in its own way. Then just when I had thought I wouldn’t make it through the cold, dark night my life had become, the Sun came out on my life again one day. The flowers in the meadow of my life, blossomed anew.

And so I realized pretty early that this was the true nature of life. This is how it is meant to be. These cycles repeat and alternate like seasons and you just adjust to what finds you and where it finds you.

Happiness and Sadness are both a farce and whatever it is that is troubling you, it shall eventually pass like everything else in life does.

Only that it doesn’t happen as simply as that. ‘Life’ is lesson on contradictions.

A lot of ‘Learning’ means unlearning a lot of what you’ve learned before. A lot of ‘Living’ means dying many times over while you’re still alive. And we all know ‘Loving’ means letting go and ‘Winning’ means a temporary respite from failure.

The good things and the bad must both dissolve into each other yet separate into each self. Each turning into the other to preserve the balance of the mix yet working together to give meaning to good and bad.

In the past few months, this spell that I found myself going through was something completely different. It wasn’t a frustrating period of not knowing what to do. It was instead, a period of knowing exactly what to do and knowing I was failing at it spectacularly. What do you do then?

What do you do when you realize that what’s happening to you is beyond your control? You introspect. Or at least, that is what I thought.

And so, I began pulling out each uncomfortable question one by one. Untangling and separating each thread of my confusion. Patiently, yet frantically so.

Why was I miserable at all?

Why couldn’t I just be happy and content.. simple and not complex; like everybody else?

I must have spent days on end doing nothing else but this; until one day, it struck me.

That is the moment I found myself crouching in a corner of my room, with the lights turned off. I sat holding my face in my palms, rubbing my eyes and running my fingers back into my hair and pulling them, straightening them. As if pulling my hair back would straighten up my brain and get some logic running again.

I let out a deep breath..

and in that effortless, deep exhalation.. the truth flowed out of my lips along with the air.

“I’m out of sync with my purpose…”

Once I said it to myself, it seemed so comforting I said it once more.

“This is it. That’s what this is… I’m out of sync with my purpose…”

And I think that was it. That was all I had been needing to hear all along. Looking for someone to say it to me until I said it to myself.

That’s what it was! I wasn’t acting in sync with my true self and that was what was bringing me down.

But resisting your inner voice and forcing your will is human nature. It’s just the ego at work, wanting to speak over the mind, the heart, the intuition, the soul and every other sign in the world. The ego wants to be heard. Inside your head and outside it. It wants to be heard. Even if what it says makes no sense at all.

At that moment, I had every inclination not to listen to myself. I knew however that, that wasn’t an option for me. I had tried everything else. Everything!

Listening to my inner voice was the only way out if I ever wanted to be happy again. It was time to introspect and ask myself what I really wanted.

And so, like the frustrated father of a troubled teen would; shaking my head, eyes half closed.. massaging my forehead with my fingers, with all of the patience in this world I could muster, I muttered to myself:

“What is it then? What the f****k is your purpose?”

And as if anticipating my answer already, came pat the reply from my own self:

“I don’t know. You tell me…”

© Jay Kaushal

Visit my YouTube channel on Life and Wellness:

Jay Kaushal Life And Wellness

>> Read part 2 >>


…Is temporary gratification for the uninitiated seeker of self realisation.

…Is temporary gratification for the uninitiated seeker of self realisation.

It’s the first reflex. The first instinct.

A nagging feeling of not ‘fitting in.’ And a realisation that you never ever.. Will.

It’s elusive and misleading.

‘Escape’ isn’t real.

Just a distorted reality of a convenient inability to reconcile with the truth that…

True progress is made, moving deeper and deeper into oneself.

Everything outside, is, was and shall remain..transient.

Everything inside, began dying the moment you were born.

Between the two… rests the undying, uncontained, uncorrupted fragment of life…

Silently watching your shenanigans in amusement.

© Jay Kaushal

Visit my YouTube channel on Life and Wellness:

Jay Kaushal Life And Wellness

Eyes shut open

You keep looking but you can’t see. Because you look everywhere but within…

We don’t see ourselves,
Through the eyes of those
Who love us;
Or hate us.
We see ourselves,
Neither from the eyes
Of the present;
Nor from the eyes
Of the past.

We see ourselves,
With certainty;
Through the uncertain eyes,
Of an uncertain future.

We don’t see ourselves,
No; not at all.

© Jay Kaushal

Visit my YouTube channel on Life and Wellness:

Jay Kaushal Life And Wellness